If you think that realism is the goal when you are writing book dialogue, think again. How-are-you’s, thank-yous, you’re-welcomes, may-I-introduces should almost never appear in books although these are words most of us say every day. Neither should the word “well.” All these commonplace phrases just drag things down in books and can often be taken for granted so they don’t need to be included. Effective bookspeak is pared down; words are carefully chosen as specific expressions. Many times what is most telling is what isn’t said.

To illustrate, here is a conversation one of us once had with her husband. It is pretty much verbatim except that names have been changed to protect the identity of unwitting house guests:

 She: Sit down. We have to talk about something.

He: What are you doing?

She: Leaving you

He: Oh, that’s great. When are you going to start packing?

She: Just kidding. It just sounded so dramatic asking you to sit down.

He: I thought you were just being your usual demanding self.

She: Listen, I got an e mail from Nell today.

He: Oh?

She: She says they will be leaving Florida a day early so they will be arriving during the afternoon in time for the hockey game.

He: I told you John really wants to see Ovechkin play.

She: Well, maybe we should all go out to dinner.

He: John doesn’t do very well going out to dinner.

She: I see. So you are saying that you will eat at the game?

He: I think that would be the best thing.

She: I will have to figure out something for Nell and me to do.

This is the kind of humdrum discussion that makes up everyday life for most of us. It has a lot of words in it, many of them unnecessary to communication. The conversation is also rambling nature. It’s not going anywhere, not plugged in to a greater whole. Book dialogue should always serve the plot. In the above case, there is no plot, just life.

So, with apologies to Capitals’ Hockey Captain Alex Ovechkin, here is the same conversation edited to be included in a thriller:

 She: We have to talk.                                                                                  

He: When are you going to start packing?

She: I got an e mail.

He: Oh?

She: John is arriving during the afternoon.

He: He wants to see Ovechkin.

She: Maybe we should go out.

He: John doesn’t do well going out.

 

Reworked to be part of a relationship novel:

She: Sit down. We have to talk.

He: When are you going to start packing?

She: I just asked you to sit down.

He: You are being your usual demanding self.

She: They will be arriving in time for the game.

He: I told you. John wants to see Ovechkin play.

She: Maybe we should go out to dinner.

He: John doesn’t do well at dinner.

She: So, you will eat at the game?

He: That would be best.

 What we suggest is that when you have written dialogue, you review it afterwards with your whole book in mind and a red pencil in one hand. Ask yourself these questions:

Are there a lot of extra words? Writers tend to include words like “well” and “okay” and “you see” because they think they make the conversation realistic. They also drag it down. Pare your dialogue down to just what is necessary.

Does the information being shared in the dialogue belong in the dialogue? If you have already established that the cavalry is coming, you don’t need a character to say, “The cavalry is coming!” Instead, the character should advance the reader’s understanding: “They’re not going to get here in time!”   Characters should not state what you have already made obvious.

 Is this dialogue telling a larger story? Does it show the reader the relationship between the people talking? If the story is scary, how does the dialogue contribute to the scariness? What do the silences say? Alternatively, does this dialogue ramble? Is it off track?